Love - Art - Disease - Pain - Life-Humanness - "Otherness"
In our desensitised society,
the artists,
the bohemians, poor, discarded,
"others", recovering addicts -
all are more in touch
with their human-ness
than the so called
mainstream.
Despite everything -
HUMANNESS, LOVE, LIFE, ART survives.
-Jonathan Larson
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Wednesday, August 4 2004 3:30pm
"We may say, metaphorically, that when to-day is Tuesday, your belief that it is Tuesday points TOWARDS the fact, whereas when to-day is not Tuesday your belief points AWAY FROM the fact."The Analysis of Mind by Russell, Bertrand, 1921
Yesterday was Tuesday, I know that for a fact because it was day 2 and the first full day without him. I slept fine last night after talking to Alli until 12:30. I saw Andrews face in my dreams...but I don't know what it was about, as I've already forgotten. Alas, so is the temperment of dreams. I found out from Andrew's old roomate that he's back in touch with the friends that thought "he had turned his back on God". I don't know how to take that, especially since most of these friends are holding out that Andrew really isn't queer. I know that he needs friends right now...so I really can't help who he reaches out to. Dave, Anthony, Jay and Linda have all called since last night, but I didn't get to talk to Dave or Linda...they just left messages...so I need to call them back. 90% of Andrew's things are still in the house, and I'm thinking that he'll probably come by this weekend while I'm not home to pick them up. Mom has said she would house-sit for the day, so at least she can say good-bye. I want to say goodbye, too...because when I left him alone in the house on Monday night, we were both crying and it was really hard to concentrate on words.
esurient wall
I finally believed in our string that was raveled but strong. It was beautiful and made of pleasant colors, mirrorlike and limpid.
We spent days bethinking claimed prophecies of love and art and crystalized childhood memories. We planned a beautiful course, if only in dreams, and set up a boundary that no one else could traverse.
Often times I saw how wet your eyes became, but when I saw blood I knew these weren't normal tears. I lifted you up, for you were motionless in your accord.
My destitute surrender was not a choice, and I cried as I didn't know if it would save or destroy your life. Love unconditional and palpable.
As I watched you cutting our ties, I grabbed your hand and my soul and I held my breath. I saw you send the bright light of our colors into the darkest night and I was finally out of words.
Now our string is cut and I'm looking at the pieces: dusty memories and dreams of two lives singly forsaken. I'll pick them up one by one, and start to rebuild this place, my soul, and I'll do it with time and care as it should be done.
I don't know how to get through this but take it day by day. Today is now Wednesday. The middle of the week. Humpday. I remember reading an article in the paper a few years ago stating that more people in America eat out on Wednesday nights than any other night during the work week. A lot of churchs have Wednesday night services. I was born on September 3, 1975...which was a Wednesday. Have you ever wondered about the common meaning of a particular day? I haven't until now...probably because it's not very interesting.
wednesday \Wednes"day\, n.
a.] The fourth day of the week; the next day after Tuesday.
b.] The fourth day of the week; the third working day
Yup. I was right...not very interesting because it's stuff we already know. I wish I could go home and go back to bed and allow my subconscious to figure out its priorities while I sleep and dream of flying...yeah...flying is good. As much as I would love to sit and write about my feelings all day, there is work to do...so I think I'm done. Yep, I'm done.
11:22 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2004
And then is was 2 months later...
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY everyone! I suspect you all know that I find the most bizarre places to update my blog. Right now I'm in NYC at the NEDERLANDER THEATRE...in the tightest of tight quarters!
First, let me atone to everyone that's been emailing me and I've been ignoring. Yes, it's on purpose, but I have to save my sanity in some fashion...and by simplifying my life into one easy to read blog usually does the trick, right? So, anyway...I'm sorry for being MIA lately, but my life has been a whirlwind of activities on all fronts!
I'm here in the city for my auction with Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS...which is tomorrow night at BB KINGS joint on 42nd street. Can't wait! We saw WICKED last night...and it was utterly, thrillingly, absolutingly, amazingly wondermus. The set alone was worth the price of the ticket, but Idina and Kristen...whoa...need I say more? I talked to Idina briefly apres the show (I'm doing her character, Maureen Johnson from RENT, next year for Broadway Bears), and she was in a wicked hurry (pun intended) to get home to her husband (Taye Diggs) to be wined, dined and valentined. I'm sure, just like Stella, she got her groove back, too.
Today was my research day here at The Nederlander. We 'Maureened' up the costume department this morning...and I got all of my pictures and notes and sketches down. We just finished up the matinee...and it was awesomess. Kristen Lee Kelly is back as Marks mom. She IS Marks mom! She's on the CD! Often imitated...but never duplicate, that Kristen! "Mark are you there? Are you there? I don't know if he's there?....."
Soooooooooooo...I wanted to make a small anouncement here at my blog site...since I know it reaches all of you in one click. I'm officially OFF the market. I didn't think I'd be so quick in saying that...but I'm dating the most wonderful, amazing, brilliant and sweet boy named Andrew. He's a singer/actor and teaches music appreciation at USC. He also gives private voice lessons to students at Presbyterian College two days out of the week. Yes, Ant...we know he's similar...but I promise I'm not having a bizarre 'Anthony/Mark Cohen' role-playing fetish. Weeell...maybejustalittlebit. LOL. (For those of you who dont know, Andrew looks just a wee bit like Monsieur Rapp...and there have been some poke-fun-at-john moments here and there). But seriously folks...I love Andrew for who he is and what he stands for...his energy...his drive...his heart!! Together we're quite the pair...and we are both quite exciting and new...not unlike The Love Boat. Just remember his name: Andrew James Bolden. He's gonna be big. He's gonna be REALLY big...
Everything at work is going swimmingly...BellSouth is as corporate as ever...and my new position as Art Subject Matter Expert feels suspiciously like my previous position as just ARTIST. Hmmmm. I've had a few meetings with my publisher about my next book...but I'm waiting to hear back on whether it's a sound opp for both of us or not. Would be groovy to go ahead with it. Needless, I need an agent and plan to scout one out ASAP. I would love to live up here...work up here...and make enough money to do so. I am total sigh-ness personafied. *sigh*.
So anywho...I'm being booted off this thing, but I'll try not to stay away for too long! I love (most) of you...!!...and I hope everyone is doing peachy ducky keen in their neck of the woods. Tonight we're seeing Shirley Q. Liquor in the East Village....won't that be GRAND!! I'll tell her that you all axe how she's durrin'!!!
Ciao's mon bebe's!!!!!
John
5:35 PM
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Have Yourself A Merry...
It's been an interesting month in Johnland. I've been promoted within BellSouth, and spent a good portion of December in Atlanta. Which is where I am now...by coincedence of course (My moms side of the family lives here). Speaking of BellSouth, Adam has been promoted to an art coach and has moved on to Charlotte. I cried when he left, but he'll never know that...
Patrick gave me (among other things) FRIDA on dvd for Christmas. Frida Kahlo is among one of my ultimate hero's, and it's sparked a little bit of an obsession with me. I'm now going to be on a venture to find some of her artwork to display in my house. And on the subject of Mexican art, I would love to have the Botero-inspired oil that I saw in Columbia before Christmas. Hmmm...
Jai is currently in the off-broadway production of ZANNA, DON'T!, and the soundtrack is absolutely amazing:
"Zanna, Don't! takes place in a topsy-turvy world in which homosexuality is the norm and the minority heterosexuals must battle anti-straight prejudice. Set in a high school, the plot revolves around a teen fairy matchmaker (Zanna) and the hell that breaks loose when a boy and a girl dare fall in love with each other. Thankfully forgoing preachiness, creator Tim Acito manages to deliver a message of tolerance through a whole bunch of poppy, catchy songs, hearty dollops of humor (there's cheering--for a chess match), and, of course, a dab of magic (shades of the 1980 Olivia Newton-John vehicle Xanadu). While the show can be a little too nice at times, it's hard not to be won over by its impish exuberance. Fittingly, in the fall of 2003, Jai Rodriguez, who played the title role, transferred from the show's Off-Broadway run to TV, gaining fame as the "culture vulture" on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. --Elisabeth Vincentelli "
-amazon.com
I also give AMAZING THUMBS UP to the soundtrack to WICKED. It's amazing and I'm hoping to see it within the next week in NYC!
Well, that's all for my end right now...I'm being booted off my cousin's computer to be social for a while.
Merry Christmas to all...and to all a food fight!
-John
1:01 PM
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
THIS TOTALLY ROCKS!
http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
9:12 PM
Monday, December 01, 2003
WELCOME FOOLISH MORTALS...
Disney's THE HAUNTED MANSION came in second of top box-office draws over the Thanksgiving weekend. It was about $200,000 short of being #1 to Dr Seuss' The Cat In The Hat, but the cat is also playing in 500 more theatres than HM. I did my share of boosting sales by seeing The Haunted Mansion 3 times in four days...each time I got something different from it. The critics have panned the movie as being "spectacularly average", and I wouldn't disagree except that I'm a fan of the ride and the references were really awesome. It's probably the best scary/funny Disney flick since Hocus Pocus. The score to the movie is absolutely amazing, but I'm very much upset by the CD, which only has one 5-minute score piece by Mark Mancina. The rest of the CD is filled up with inciped rap music and otherwise totally unrelated material to the Haunted Mansion ride or movie.
All in all, I don't care what the critics have to say. As long as the public and the fans are happy...that's what counts.
11:56 AM
Realizations for a Monday
I find myself somewhat impressive. Yeah, you read that right. I'm proud of who I am and where I've been in my 28 years. Fuck humility and humbleness...and at the risk of hyperbole, I totally rock. So, when unfamiliars ask me,"geez, man...why don't you have a boyfriend?", I want to punch them in the face. It's because, Mr. Joe Shmo Unfamiliar, on the whole I find most guys to be absolutely boring, trite and unimpressive. This is a very simple discovery that I've made about myself. I know this all sounds mean and unmerited, but it's not. I preach about how I thrive on creation and learning (especially from others), but there also has to be a genuine interest in learning from other people, too. I like meeting people from all walks of life, but this doesn't mean that I'll date a janitor. Or a McDonalds employee. Or a front desk clerk at the local Motel 6. It's been evident in my life that a lot of queer men really have no passion or drive. I crave change and look forward to the future without thinking about it too much. I bask in growth and know that because of my morals, beliefs and faith in my soul I will be climbing the ladder of my life without many tribulations. Where I am now is because of the person I have wanted to become. And don't get me wrong...I am not without flaws myself. I just want to know where all of the ambitious guys have gone...
Conversation is the key to a man's mind. I'm the type that is naturally inquisitive about simple things. Work...family...what you had for dinner. I can get pretty deep and philosophical sometimes, but on the whole I'm usually a very considerate conversationalist. I'm irked by guys who talk about nothing but themselves, especially when it revolves around how much money they have or all the men they've dated. I say this, but I have a tendancy to monopolize a conversation if it gets uncomfortable by talking about myself. Perhaps this is one reason why internet dating has become so popular. It's easier to "screen" people before talking on the phone or meeting for dinner. I think the most tragic influx to the online dating market is because so many people are afraid of rejection. People who are overly shy and not very oriented to talking to strangers never make the first move. Behind a computer screen it's different...where they can be a completely different person. I've met guys online, and 9/10 times they don't look like the pictures they've sent. Sometimes they won't even send a picture, for fear of rejection or judgement based on looks alone.
The older I get, the more I realize that there are so many things that I refuse to settle for. As the list grows, the number of men that fit this bill have dwindled in this wicked little town. When all is said and done, I find that I don't want a boyfriend. I want my partner-in-crime...my vice president...
my true north.
11:54 AM
Friday, November 21, 2003
Versus
Left or Right: Right
Penis or Cock: Cock
Yo Yo Ma or Yo Momma: Yo Momma
Larry Tee or Mr. T: Larry!!!
Cops or CHiPS: CHiPS
John or Ponch: Ponch
Kadafi or Funkadafi: Funkadafi
Tony Blair or Linda Blair: Linda
March of Dimes or Dime Bag: March of Dimes
Soft Cell or Sleeper Cell: Sleeper Cell
Kojak or Baretta: Kojak
Jock Strap or Strapping Jock: Strapping Jock
Terrorista or Fashionista: Fashionista
Panera or Paninaro: Paninaro
Wrestlers or Football Players: Wrestlers
Art Rock or Rock Hard: Rock Hard
Ice Castles or Ice Capades: Neither
Patty Smith or Patty Hearst: Patty Hearst
Scars or Sars: Scars
1974, 1984 or 1994: 1984
Bath or Shower: Shower
Mr Bubble or Bubblicious: Mr. Bubble
Mr. Whipple or Mrs. Olson: Mr. Whipple
Love Unlimited Orchestra or Ulimited Capacity For Love: Love Unlimited Orchestra
Mary Woronov or Edie Sedgewick: Mary
Joan Jett or Suzi Quatro: Suzi
Pop Art or Iggy Pop: Iggy
Magazine or Fanzine: Fanzine
Cosmaceuticals or Kama Sutra: Cosmaceuticals
Dinner or Dessert: Dinner
Paul Frank or Mr. Friendly: "Paul Frank Is Your Friend" http://www.paulfrank.com/fullscreen.html
Boxing or UFC/NHB: NHB
iZod Lacoste or Members Only: iZod
eBay or Flea Market: Both
Retro or Futuristic: Retro Futuristic. Love Emo.
Heterosexual or Metrosexual: Metrosexual
Paper or Plastic: Plastic
Fantastic Plastic or the Plastics: The Plastics
Naked or Nude: Nude
Girth or Length: Why choose?
Abs or Chest: Both
Turkish Coffee or Cuban Coffee: Cuban
Leatherman or Leatherboy: Leatherman
Men's Gymnastics or Men's Diving: Gymnastics
Muscleboy or Musclebear: Both
Cowboys or Indians: Cowboys
Foreign or Domestic: Domestic
Army, Navy or Marines : Marines! Ahoora!
Howard Stern or Isaac Stern: Isaac Stern
Chewie or Honk Kong Fooey: Hong Kong Fooey
Hong Kong or King Kong: King Kong
Blog Whore or Blog More: Blog More
3:07 PM
I just got off the phone with Sarah Patrick at Palmetto Health, and my "Finding Nemo" tree has won "BEST IN SHOW", and I'm very honored. I couldn't have pulled it off without my old art coach Tom and Amanda. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Tonight is the black-tie gala...and I'll be there in my penguin suit looking spiffy as usual. Actually, since I've lost all this weight, my tuxedo doesn't fit anymore...so I'll have to wear my regular pin stripe suit, perhaps with an aire of fabulousness to it. I made Amanda's gown and coat that she's wearing tonight...so perhaps I'll use some leftover material to make an ascot or something fun to match.
It's going down into the 30's tonight, and with all of the wonderful food and the atmosphere and the high society it'll be wicked romantic. *sigh*. Last year's dreariness should make way for this year's awesomeness, even though I don't have a guy to share it with. At least I'll have Amanda, and I suppose that she, above all people, is the one person I would want to share this evening with.
2:47 PM
Down With Love
I finally bought the DVD. I think the movie is really swell, but after watching it again recently, I realized that it makes the unfortunate misstep of having its characters flounce around as if they knew just how ridiculous they were...which is invariably damaging to parodies. Sincerity always, always works better. Other than that, though, the movie's a treat from the delirious opening credits through the unbelievable musical number that closes the proceedings (no wonder they wanted both Ewan McGregor and Renee Zellweger), including every montage, costume change and lascivious plot twist in between.
And I think I learned something, too.
I've been so mopey for so long about being single...spurred by some of the worst dates this side of Andrew Cunanan...that it's become hard for me to see my own life clearly. Among the points I'm missing is that I won't be ready for any but the most peculiar of relationships until I stop looking on the horizon every night for my other half.
For one reason or another, and strangely enough, my dormant love life has not impeded my sex life. The latter have recently been with guys who are...for one reason or another...unavailable. Well, actually, the one reason is that most of them are already spoken for, by boyfriends mellow enough to look the other way. Or playful enough to not look the other way. Or, in one ethically taxing instance, clueless enough to forget to look at all. We won't even go into the one's that are totally, emotionally, tragically and mentally fucked up.
At any rate, it's less difficult that I'm alone than that I'm not achieving a goal I've set for myself (which was to find real love). And, having realized that, I'm going to deprioritize that goal for a little while. Whatever happens happens, but I'm not going to knock myself out trying to make something happen when I've discovered that I'm not ready for it to happen anyway. Well, I'm not ready to compromise for something that's not real, anyway.
Even though I don't believe wholly in empty sex, I suppose as long as guys are momentarily throwing aside their boyfriends for me...for that matter, smart, fun, hot guys that I always seem to be too late to date myself...I don't feel like tying myself down. Afterall, most of us know how I feel about compromise and rationalizing after these last 10 months.
What the hell...I'm bored of planning for tomorrow in ways that pay absolutely no dividends. I'm perhaps less prepared to be someone's boyfriend than I was a year ago, and my behaviour is more self-destructive than it would be if casual sex were actually on the forefront instead of the periphery. Zoinks.
So let's leave it like that for a little while. Barbara Novak, I'm ready for Step 3: Chocolate.
2:29 PM
Monday, November 10, 2003
Hey there, hi there, ho there.
Lots of things have happened since the last time I posted.
• On the charity front, my 2004 bear for Broadway Cares is done. Angel as Pussy Galore, in all of his drag-queen glory is complete...right down to his blow torch and light pink leather platform go-go boots. I rushed like mad for a week to get her done, since my deadline crept up on me without a sound. She'll be featured in all of the pre-advertising for the auction. Scott Stevens sent me a package the other day, and when I opened it, I was floored. Inside was an original pair of Mimi's black vinyl sleeves, her "shrug", from RENT and a highly coveted broadway.com 2004 calendar. These limited edition 2004 calendars were hot items at the Broadway Cares Flea Market back in September, featuring images by their photographer, Bruce Glikas, of all of your favorite Broadway stars and shows. Among celebrities like Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones, Madonna, Harvey Fierstein, Hugh Jackman and Nathan Lane was Adam Pascal from RENT...holding the bear that I made for last years auction. I was completely and utterly thrilled to see my work published in such a way. It was a total honor and surprise!!
• The Festival of Trees is underway for a November 17th dealine. This years theme is FINDING NEMO...and I've got some pretty nifty tricks up my sleeves for this tree. Lets just say that you don't want to be caught near this tree without a scuba mask!!
• I've had a sinus infection for 1.5 weeks now. I went to the doc a week ago and I just finished up the RX meds. I was out of the gym for a week...but I'm back to my normal routine and feeling strangely fine.
• I've met some interesting people lately on the dating scene. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I had guys throwing themselves at me...but I couldn't let myself get too close to them, I was afraid of hurting someone. Now, at this point in my singleness, I tend to meet people who are somewhat unsteady and unbalanced...who pretend to know what they want when they're really just feigning it to gain attention. Now that I'm ready for it(or think I'm ready for it), love's nowhere to be found. Some people I find, are teetering on the edge so close that they hide in their work, their religion, their friends...which could be one in the same. I've met several guys like this...who hide from facing their failure, their lonliness and the fact they live a lie. I'm tired of meeting guys who see me as a rebound or just someone to fuck...and I hate myself for believing most of their twisted, skewed views and lies. I refuse to change my definition of normality, and I'm definitly not rationalizing myself for these misguided fools. My vice president is out there somewhere...he just doesn't know it yet. Until I find him, I'll just have to rule alone...which ain't too bad according to the random mix that I've encountered lately.
Music, Movies, DVD's:
• The 1st Season of The Anna Nicole Show is out on DVD. Like the front of the box says, it's "America's Guiltiest Pleasure". It's not supposed to be funny, it just is.
• Sarah McLachlin's cd AFTERGLOW is amazing. The package design is beautiful, and Sarah looks unbelievable. The songs are, as usual, personal and melodic, though comparitively plain compared to her previous studio releases. There's nice consistancy on this album...and Afterglow is a perfect title...
• Disney's "BROTHER BEAR" was third this past weekend in ticket sales. Not too shabby after the disaster known as Treasure Planet. 3 stars isn't too shabby...and the general consensus is that it's beautiful to look at...but minor and sort of inert.
• To my shock, "ELF" has gotten great reviews. 4.5/5 stars. Hmm. Maybe this will be something I need to check out once I get that holiday spirit worked up.
All for now...feel free to email me and let me know what you've all been up to.
Ciao,
John
10:09 AM
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