Love - Art - Disease - Pain - Life-Humanness - "Otherness"
In our desensitised society,
the artists,
the bohemians, poor, discarded,
"others", recovering addicts -
all are more in touch
with their human-ness
than the so called
mainstream.
Despite everything -
HUMANNESS, LOVE, LIFE, ART survives.
-Jonathan Larson
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Wednesday, August 4 2004 3:30pm
"We may say, metaphorically, that when to-day is Tuesday, your belief that it is Tuesday points TOWARDS the fact, whereas when to-day is not Tuesday your belief points AWAY FROM the fact."The Analysis of Mind by Russell, Bertrand, 1921
Yesterday was Tuesday, I know that for a fact because it was day 2 and the first full day without him. I slept fine last night after talking to Alli until 12:30. I saw Andrews face in my dreams...but I don't know what it was about, as I've already forgotten. Alas, so is the temperment of dreams. I found out from Andrew's old roomate that he's back in touch with the friends that thought "he had turned his back on God". I don't know how to take that, especially since most of these friends are holding out that Andrew really isn't queer. I know that he needs friends right now...so I really can't help who he reaches out to. Dave, Anthony, Jay and Linda have all called since last night, but I didn't get to talk to Dave or Linda...they just left messages...so I need to call them back. 90% of Andrew's things are still in the house, and I'm thinking that he'll probably come by this weekend while I'm not home to pick them up. Mom has said she would house-sit for the day, so at least she can say good-bye. I want to say goodbye, too...because when I left him alone in the house on Monday night, we were both crying and it was really hard to concentrate on words.
esurient wall
I finally believed in our string that was raveled but strong. It was beautiful and made of pleasant colors, mirrorlike and limpid.
We spent days bethinking claimed prophecies of love and art and crystalized childhood memories. We planned a beautiful course, if only in dreams, and set up a boundary that no one else could traverse.
Often times I saw how wet your eyes became, but when I saw blood I knew these weren't normal tears. I lifted you up, for you were motionless in your accord.
My destitute surrender was not a choice, and I cried as I didn't know if it would save or destroy your life. Love unconditional and palpable.
As I watched you cutting our ties, I grabbed your hand and my soul and I held my breath. I saw you send the bright light of our colors into the darkest night and I was finally out of words.
Now our string is cut and I'm looking at the pieces: dusty memories and dreams of two lives singly forsaken. I'll pick them up one by one, and start to rebuild this place, my soul, and I'll do it with time and care as it should be done.
I don't know how to get through this but take it day by day. Today is now Wednesday. The middle of the week. Humpday. I remember reading an article in the paper a few years ago stating that more people in America eat out on Wednesday nights than any other night during the work week. A lot of churchs have Wednesday night services. I was born on September 3, 1975...which was a Wednesday. Have you ever wondered about the common meaning of a particular day? I haven't until now...probably because it's not very interesting.
wednesday \Wednes"day\, n.
a.] The fourth day of the week; the next day after Tuesday.
b.] The fourth day of the week; the third working day
Yup. I was right...not very interesting because it's stuff we already know. I wish I could go home and go back to bed and allow my subconscious to figure out its priorities while I sleep and dream of flying...yeah...flying is good. As much as I would love to sit and write about my feelings all day, there is work to do...so I think I'm done. Yep, I'm done.
11:22 PM
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