Love - Art - Disease - Pain - Life-Humanness - "Otherness"
In our desensitised society,
the artists,
the bohemians, poor, discarded,
"others", recovering addicts -
all are more in touch
with their human-ness
than the so called
mainstream.
Despite everything -
HUMANNESS, LOVE, LIFE, ART survives.
-Jonathan Larson
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Saturday, February 01, 2003
com·pro·mise (kmpr-mz) n.
1. a. A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.
b. The result of such a settlement.
2. Something that combines qualities or elements of different things: The incongruous design is a compromise between high tech and early American.
3. A concession to something detrimental or pejorative: a compromise of morality.
I've been thinking about compromise lately. I'm a pretty laid back person, yet I know what I like and what I don't like. SOMETIMES...you have to give into those things that you don't like...whether it be a boring awards banquet that you HATE to sit through, or whether it be a movie that you really don't want to see...but sacrifice those 2 hours to be with the people that it benefits. The key there is SOMETIMES. Compromise is important to a relationship, but so are boundaries. Willingness to reach compromise should be a given, as well as knowing where to set your boundaries. Quid pro quo really shouldn't be relevant in a relationship. I am guilty of a few love crimes, but never on the compromise side. I enjoy new things, new experiences and new people. I may not LIKE those things in the long run...but you never know unless you give them a try. What eats me is when people won't sacrifice time to be with you...and they make sordid excuses. I'm not talking about "call off work today and spend the day with me". I'm talking about when the plans are made...when you look forward to spending time with someone...and then they change their mind for no apparent reason. That can be a real dissapointment, because you feel like a failure. You feel like your not worthy of having the time spent with you...and that can be a pretty low blow. Love is unconditional, right? Love can conquer all, right? I suppose that those things only work two ways. Like a socket and a plug. What's the Corinthians thing? It's in my list of quotes.....
“Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Love never fails.”
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8 –
It's a pretty strong passage. It's beautiful and it's not made up by Joe Shmo Internet. Maybe some day I can put my faith, hope and trust in someone new.
Without You
Mimi
Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you
Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves
Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash
The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you
Roger
The world revives
Mimi
Colors renew
Both
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you
Mimi
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Roger
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
Both
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Roger
Without you
Mimi
Without you
Roger
Without you
Both
Without you
-RENT
9:48 AM
Friday, January 31, 2003
The name on everybody's lips is gonna be...JOHNNY!
I actually started SINGING in the shower this morning. WHAT? NO! I'm not supposed to be happy right now...not even an ounce of it should be prevelant. But it was. That was kind of scary. What does that say about my time with Drew? Does it say that I really didn't care for him as much as I thought I did? No...I still love him very much. I'm by no means over him, in fact I did dream about him last night...just as Dave told me I would. I don't remember the dream perse, but I know Drew was in it. This is my last day to mope and watch weepy movies. Actually, I haven't watched any weepy movies. I've been too busy with people THROWING themselves at me that I haven't had much time to myself. I suppose that's a good thing. Im a bit stunned at the way people have treated me. Instead of sympathy or empathy...some people have used the fact that I'm single again to steal my time. Some people want Jeannie bottles, some people want to eat dinner EVERY NIGHT and some people even want to date me. Some people have even come out of my past...which is a bit strange but good at the same time. I am hoping to rebuild a few relationships that I have lost over the year. It's a good feeling to know that people still WANT me!
"The audience loves me and I love them! And they love me for lovin them and I love them for lovin me! It's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's showbiz...kid!"
-Roxie Hart
Adam has been in a low place lately, too...so it's gonna be party time at Johnny's house tonight. Whoo hoo! Now that I've got the piano...there may be opportunity for impromptu jam session! Adam's a wicked harmonica player...and has been on several albums.
Tomorrow I head south for Charleston. Time away is good right now...and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with Ashley, Amanda and Nicole. Life is returning to normal and it's all good! Just get through those low spots...and everything will be fine. Wow...that reminds me of "Interstate Love Song"...
"Waiting on a Sunday afternoon
for what I read between the lines,
your lies.
feelin' like a hand in rusted shame
so do you laugh or does it cry?
reply?
leavin' on a southern train
only yesterday you lied,
promises of what I seemed to be
only watched the time go by,
all of these things you said to me.
breathing is the hardest thing
to do. with all I've said and
all that's dead for you,
you lied - good bye
leavin' on a southern train
only yesterday you lied
promises of what I seemed to be
only watched the time go by,
all of these things I said to you."
-Stone Temple Pilots
Maybe right now is when I make my New Year's Resolutions. I had decided that one thing I was going to do in 2003 was to "love Drew more". Who would have thought after what just happened, I would hold strong to that one resolution. Letting him go was the ultimate sacrifice. I hope he see's that.
9:51 AM
Thursday, January 30, 2003
YOU HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND
"Rent is about being young in New York. Being brave and being scared. It's about being in love and being in trouble. Having hope for today and faith in tomorrow"
-Jonathan Larson
It's amazing the things that you find comfort in when you're grieving. I am overwhelmingly blessed with such an awesome network of friends and family. Tracey sent me flowers AND candy to me yesterday at work...which was the SWEETEST thing that anyone has done for me in a long time. Though I'm not a flowers and candy kind of guy, that was the FIRST time it has ever happend! I was a bit embarrassed at first...but it soon made way for a stream of tears. I'm finding comfort in Jonathan Larson's words and lyrics right now. How I wish I could have known him. I listen to the sad songs, watch the weepy movies...and then think, "They made that look too easy!". In any event...these are the quotes that have been in my head lately. Yeah, yeah...their way depressing...but it's one of my (many) coping mechanisms.
"Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?"
-RENT
"The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today"
-RENT
"Don't breathe too deep
Don't think all day
Dive into work
Drive the other way
That drip of hurt
That pint of shame
Goes away
Just play the game
You're living in America
At the end of the millennium
You're living in America
Leave your conscience at the tone
And when you're living in America
At the end of the millennium
You're what you own"
-RENT
"All I have to do is to forget how much I love him
All I have to do is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation
Passion would have cooled and all the magic would have died
It's easy, it's easy
All I have to do is to pretend I never knew him
On those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start
It's easy, It's easy
Until I think about him as he was when I last touched him
And how he would have been were I to be with him today
Those very rare occasions don't let up they keep on coming
All I ever wanted and He's throwing it away
It's easy, it's easy as life
It's easy
So easy
And though I'll think about him 'til the earth draws in around me
And though he chose to leave me for another kind of love
There is no denial, no betrayal but redemption
Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above
It's easy
It's easy as life
It's easy as life
It's easy as life"
-AIDA (which happened to be the last broadway show Drew and I saw before we split up...sheesh)
I've always been attracted to tragic tales of love, woe, longing, free will and wanton lust. Sappy and depressing music has always moved me. Now that I'm in the middle of it, it's not all that peachy ducky. One of my ways of coping is to try and find some sort of similitude among the fictional things I have passion for. For example, when Buffy had to kill Angel in the season 2 finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I was devastated. Either kill your boyfriend (who, more or less, has no memory of the previous 7 months), or allow the gates of hell to open up and swallow everything we know to exist. What an ultimatum. Sure, she could have allowed Angel to stay...but the relationship was confounded out of hand. Not to mention all the nasty things that the hellmouth would have produced for her to fight. Even thought she WANTED to love him...and she always did...she couldn't have a relationship with him. Not because he is a 246 year old vampire, but because they couldn't chance the removal of his human soul again.
Angel: What's happening?
Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it. I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes.
-Buffy The Vampire Slayer
"The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love"
-Sarah McLaughlin (I first heard this song in the aformentioned Buffy episode. It ripped my heart out then...and it continues to dwell there still. Beautiful sadness...)
I was surfin' the web earlier...and this popped up. I don't know how much I would trust it based on personal acceptance, but I agree with some of them:
30 signs you've met Mr. or Ms. Right:
1. You sleep together... and just sleep.
2. You share everything without thinking.
3. You talk on the phone for hours.
4. You don't fight over the remote.
5. They start cooking for you.
6. Their driving doesn't bother you anymore.
7. You can share food without arguments.
8. He stops making fun of love songs.
9. You want them no matter what your family thinks.
10. You compromise.
11. You do their laundry as a surprise because you know it will make them happy.
12. You feel like a lifetime together won't be enough time with them.
13. Everything about them, even the annoying stuff, is cute.
14. Every love song makes you think of them.
15. Everything they say is interesting to you.
16. You drink from the same glass without asking.
17. You'll offer them the last bite of your food, the last piece of pie.
18. When you' re with them, you don't want them to go away, and when they're gone, you can't wait for them to come back.
19. You stop asking your mom for advice and start asking them.
20. They stop on road trips for you to pee.
21. They love you even if you've gone up two sizes while you've been together.
22. They actually call when they say they will.
23. They suck their teeth, and it doesn't annoy you.
24. You have bickerments but not arguments.
25. He doesn't get angry when you use his last razor.
26. You feel like no one will ever know you better.
27. You trust their advice over anyone else's.
28. You used their toothbrush by accident and didn't vomit.
29. He lets you put doilies in his bathroom.
30. He lets you put a floral comforter on the bed.
6:12 PM
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Reflected Cacophony
It is with the heaviest heart I have ever felt to officially announce the death of my relationship with Drew Eisenreich. There wasn't anything that I could do to save it...and it is the worst pain that I have ever felt. This is the stuff that my nightmares were and are made of...and now I'm living it. I loved him with every ounce of my being, and that I have found out, just wasn't enough. There at the end, all of my insecurities were displayed like a pair of red, shiny shoes. They still are. I thought that everything was good. I thought that there wasn't anything that our love couldn't conquer. Little did I know that I couldn't depend on that. Just when I finally felt secure in trusting Drew...and having faith in him...he gave up on us.
Even though I never got any real concrete answer out of him last night as to why he decided to bail, my conclusion is that he is very confused right now. He's been through a lot of changes in his life this past year...and many of them were brought about because of me. These were changes for the good, I believe, and he is a much stronger person now than he was when I first met him. Drew said that I live in romantic notions. Drew said that I am an optimist. So, what's new? I don't see anything wrong with that. He also said that he had been wearing a mask...but wouldn't tell me how long. Why did he wear that mask? His only answer was "To make you happier, longer." Why he denied his true feelings, I'll never know. I am 100% sure that I never denied my feelings for him. Drew doesn't lie. Even up until the near end, Drew had a way of letting me know he loved me...that he was IN LOVE with me, so that “mask” he wore was more or less just an excuse.
Through all this, I didn't make him happy anymore. I never intentionally made Drew feel guilty, but I knew he felt it. He was very sensitive to it last night, our last night, and reacted harshly whenever he thought I was trying to guilt-trip him. One form of his guilt comes in the shroud of the "I want to be friends with you" vibe. I don't think it's possible, not right now, anyway. I have been abandoned, my insecurities of being alone and not having him with me have been realized, and it wasn't my choice. He says that he hasn't abandoned me...and I agree that he hasn't completely. I can't go backwards with the one person I have truly loved…the one person that I would have compromised anything for. I asked him to explain how he thinks it's possible that a relationship can exist between the states of friendship and a secure, monogamous relationship. All he could say is that he doesn't want me out of his life. Have your cake and eat it too, much? He was cold. I could tell that he had prepped himself, most likely by accepting advice from friends. Not that his mind or stable enough to dispense it's offerings...
"Drew! It's me..."
"I know it's you...(chuckle)"
He had this irritating smirk on his face whenever I started to cry. I told him to stop...that it was obvious he was covering something up. He refused to take off his ring, and said he will always wear it. I tried to give mine back. I can’t walk around with a ring on my finger inscribed to “MY JOHN”. I’m not his John anymore…and it tears me up to think that way. I had to stand there last night and listen to him tell me that he eventually wanted to see other guys. He told me "I'll help you get through this". I dont know how he could think that. I think that it would cause too much pain for me to have HIM help me get over HIM. That's more like mental abuse, to my way of thinking. Does it make him feel better to say those things to me? Is it a control issue? A power issue? I told him that he had died in my eyes…all to get back “It’s because you killed me”. It was very harsh, but I understood how defensive he was and always has been. At that point I realized that I couldn’t make things better. It was like trying to reason with a brick wall. I accepted that our relationship wasn't meant to be, and I went through the house and gathered up all of his belongings. My house, which was once filled with such joyous passion and personal and relevant things to my life seemed a bit foreign to me…distant, dark and lonely. There’s noone there to share it with now.
My relationship with Drew was a great thing, and there was never a time when I didn't want to be close to him. But, now it's over. I'll miss the things he told me, which were meaningful then, but have no relevance now. They were never lies, though I feel naïve that I ever had the faith to believe in them. No regrets. I'll miss the smell of his apartment on his clothes. I’ll miss his parmesan chicken, I'll miss his hair and his eyes. I'll miss waking up to him in the morning. I'll miss dinner parties and board games, I'll miss being wanted and needed...and I'll miss wanting and needing him. I'll miss the way I thought he loved me.
Drew, if you ever read this, please know that I let you go because I wanted nothing more than your happiness. Go in peace, and know that eventually, my door will be open to you. As for me, I will try not to build up a wall around my heart again. It will be tough, but I will try my best to keep in my heart the things that you taught me. Maybe, someday, you will find the right person to place your love…and maybe I will find the right person to place mine. I hope that you know that there will never be a replacement for you, and that I will love you forever. Ciao, babe.
Maestro, “I’ll Cover You”…one last time, please.
I'll Cover You (Reprise) (Angel's memorial)
Collins
Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you
Open your door - I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there - I'll cover you
I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you were, my love, on life
All my life
I've longed to discover
Something as true
As this is
Joanne & Soloists
So with a thousand sweet kisses...I'll cover you
Collins
If you're cold and you're lonely
Joanne & Soloists
With a thousand sweet kisses...I'll cover you
Collins
You've got one nickel only
Joanne & Soloists
With a thousand sweet kisses...I'll cover you
Collins
When you're worn out and tired
Joanne & Soloists
With a thousand sweet kisses...I'll cover you
Collins
When your heart has expired
Company
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred - measure a year
Oh lover I'll cover you
Oh lover I'll cover you
Collins & Company
Oh lover
I'll cover you
Oh lover
Collins
I'll cover you
Company
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand seasons of love
Collins
I'll cover you
11:44 AM
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